Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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