How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
