Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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