just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
