mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't deserve a penis
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
