He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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