How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
