For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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