im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
