Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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