i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
