I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
