a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
