So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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