my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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