I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
