Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
