dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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