I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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