fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
