enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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