Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
