Sry I called you an 8
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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