so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
