piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
