my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm having to shit out rocks
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
