Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
