Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
