I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have fence marks all over my body
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
