organizing the empties. That sober.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
