Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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