Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
