LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
