I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please come you make the beer taste better
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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