he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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