We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
