god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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