i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
