took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
