WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
