so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
