I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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