Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
