I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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