Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
