After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
