I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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