We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
