Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
