i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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