Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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