Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
