I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
