I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
