his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
