It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
